People with anxious attachment need to know how to self soothe because no matter how well-meaning other people can be, they can’t always meet all of our needs. This article will give you an insight into what it means to self soothe and how to know your triggers.
Anxiously attached people feel the need to have stability with people in their lives and rightfully so. If you are anxiously attached you crave more emotional intimacy than the other person, your belief is that people don’t like you because it seems that every time you try to get close to people they distance themselves further away from you.
You can imagine what things like ghosting can do to someone with an anxious attachment, it gets to a point where it becomes depressing as you wait around for others to reassure you of your position in their lives. People with this attachment may find it hard to emotionally regulate their emotions in a healthy way and so this article will discuss ways you can emotionally soothe when you feel yourself spiralling out of control.
Anxious attachment triggers
To be able to apply some self-soothing strategies you need to become aware of when to use them. If you are still unsure if you are anxiously attached these could also be considered as anxious attachment SIGNS.
There is a pattern with anxious attachment. After feeling triggered in these types of relationships there is usually an increase in stress and anxiety, depression and an overwhelm in overthinking. If you have struggled with one-sided relationships, always seeming to want more closeness than the other. If this is you, then you are more than likely anxiously attached, especially if you find yourself being the ride or die but no one seems to have your back when you need them the most. This cycle reiterates underlying core beliefs of unworthiness that was developed in childhood.
How Anxious Attachment can behave when triggered
- Manipulating them so they behave in the way you want – could be trying to make them jealous, taking longer to respond to their text or even ghosting.
- Avoiding clear communication
- Constantly ruminating about the other person and their actions towards you
- Doing research on how you can make it better or how you can try to understand their behaviour
- People pleasing due to the fear of abandonment
- Several attempts to contact your partner for the fear of losing them
- Can have anger outbursts or act out in irrational ways
- Feeling a deep resentment and frustration when your need is not being met
What could trigger you to become anxious
- Inconsistency, not having a sense of stability – taking a really long time to respond, ghosting or they act in a different way than usual like when he suddenly pulls away.
- Sudden conflicts that are loaded with criticism and a habit of apportioning you with blame and guilttripping.
- When your boundaries are violated.
- Lack of communication – not being sure where you stand
- Other people’s negative moods especially the ones closest to you could make you feel unstable as you feel that you need to keep them happy with you
- Percieved sense of abandonment or rejection
Why it is important that we self soothe
We must self soothe to regulate our emotions so we don’t act out in other irrational or desperate ways. Self soothing habits will enable you to gain your confidence back feel better in control of your life. Additional benefits are to reduce anxiety, to release your codependence on that one person as well as to help form a more secure attachment with others.
How to self soothe the anxious attachment
The key is to find a way to regulate your emotions. I have highlighted 3 main ways to self soothe. The first point is going to be crucial but read up till the LAST point because you will find it helpful.
1. Focus on you
You deserve your energy
Shift the focus from them to you by applying the 5 by 5 rule; if it won’t matter in 5 years don’t spend another 5 minutes thinking about it. When you feel anxious irrational thoughts can come up and could stop you from thinking clearly. Give yourself a time limit to process the situation by way of reframing your thoughts, using your mantra, journaling. Do not let this issue exceed its time limit to the point where your feel consumed by it.
Over time this practice of not obsessing over other people, what they are doing or not doing – can help you to move from anxious attachment to a more secure attachment.
To rid yourself of the tension you may be feeling, it might be tempting to keep complaining about this person or getting obsessive thoughts about them. Just Breathe to get into your own body and maintain your self-awareness.
2. Find something that makes you feel in control
If all fails a healthy distraction won’t hurt
Chances are you feel out of control and disoriented, so to regain constancy focus on doing things that bring you stability and less time on things that make you feel out of control. Engaging in a healthy distraction will increase your ability for self–regulation. The distraction you choose becomes more second nature to you (in an event that you feel triggered), which is why you need to choose healthy habits.
Things you can control
How clean your house is
Your work ethic
The thoughts you have
When you go to bed at night
What you choose to watch and listen to
Your dreams and aspirations
Most importantly, who you surround yourself with
I am pretty sure there’s more to your life than sitting around waiting for him to text back. Whether it be your personal goals, self-care rituals, the trip to LA you’ve been wanting to take, the dirty dishes sitting in your kitchen or that tv show you’ve been waiting on to watch, go do it girl! Life is too short to be waiting on someone to give you permission of your worth.
Self soothe techniques
Activate your senses and feel-good hormones
What does your inner child need to be loved right now? If you are waiting on someone to act right and you feel it bringing you down, there might be something deeper that you are failing to give yourself at this very moment. It will differ from person to person. Before checking in on the person who is acting indifferently towards you, ask yourself what does INSERT NAME HERE need to feel her best today
This is the time to hypnotise yourself in a trance of your own making, get lost in your own personal world. Whatever that means to you.
To make yourself feel better, you need to come back to your body by increasing your body’s awareness. You do this by stimulating your senses, sight, touch, smell sound, taste. These self-soothing habits are not only great for adults but also stimulate the production of feel-good hormones in the body like serotonin and endorphins.