Have you been feeling stuck and depressed but have no idea how to crawl out of the big hole you find yourself in? You seemed to have spiralled into a deep depression, without really understanding why.

Much of your pain and joy is self inflicted, that is because you hold the keys to your freedom.

You can decide to take action or continue to be a victim of your own circumstance, we all have a choice to make and once you realise that there isn’t any prince charming coming to save you in your distress, that is where life starts getting good.

It will also become much easier to fess up to your bad habits which will gear you towards change.

I can definitely admit that change is not easy, and sometimes you go back to your old self deprecating habits, and that is okay because healing isn’t linear.

I think the key thing is having self awareness, to catch yourself in those unfavourable behaviours so you can adjust your frequency to be better aligned with the person to you want to be.

How do you tell if you are stuck in a rut?

Bad habits causing you pain

1. Overthinking
2. Complaining
3. Worrying about future events
4. Replaying your mistakes
5. Looking for validation from external sources
6. Having expectations from the wrong people
7. Dependency
8. Not holding yourself accountable
9. Going back to hurtful relationships
10. Always being the victim
11. Not letting go of the past
12. Failing to practise acceptance
13. Not listening to yourself

The common theme here is is trying to control the outcome of things that are completely outside of your control and ignoring what actually is.

So, question is how can you deal with your emotions when triggered so you can self regulate in a healthy way?

To stop the cycle of pain, you have to set an intention to stop repeating the same cycles because you deserve peace.

Holding on to any of these habits is keeping you stuck and depressed, stopping you from being the best version of you, it is weighing you down and hurting your potential and you are honestly better than this.

Okay this is all good but how do I stop being stuck?

1. Take responsibility for your life

This one is pretty self explanatory.

You are not the victim in your life, you are the creator. You can literally make changes today to turn your life around.

2. Stop identifying with your pain

Yes it did happen. But how you say it to yourself matters a whole lot. Change the way you phrase your past hurt. Change the way you see rejection. Instead of saying they rejected me, say they weren’t very accepting people. Instead of I saying I got dumped, say we weren’t compatible. Changing the way you phrase things will allow you to not internalise it.

 If you choose to hold on to the pain it becomes your identity and you begin to look for pain in your life experience even when it’s not there.

You ever wonder why toxic relationships are so hard to let go of?

Even though you’re aware that it isn’t good for you and you aren’t treated the way you would like, it’s easier to ignore the fact that it makes you feel unworthy than for you to leave for good because you feel that they have a strong hold on you and you can’t bare to leave them, no matter what they do.

Somewhere in your past someone treated you like you weren’t worthy and deserving of love and you believed them.

3. Stay focused in the present moment

Reliving the past keeps you depressed and worrying about the future would only cause stress. Stop latching on to the pain, let the thoughts pass. Focus on your breath to bring you in the present.

Meditation will train you to observe your thoughts as they come, you will begin to understand that you are not your thoughts. Your thoughts are more than likely someone else’s that have been programmed into your subconscious.

The present moment is really what we have to make the change we want in the future. You are not what you want, you become what you repeatedly do because of the law of compounding. Whatever change you want in your life start working on it in this moment.

 4. Listen to the warning signs 

Your intuition can see things on the spiritual realm before it manifests in the physical world. It knows better because you have made the same mistakes in the past. You are not paranoid, don’t gaslight yourself.

Your intuition is connected with your higher self and anything that doesn’t align with your values/safety will trigger something in you. Our body tends to store trauma, so if you notice that you feel a little too familiar around certain people, girl that is your cue to run. 

You feel in it in your gut, you will get butterflies in your stomach, you might even have nightmares. The moment you feel that something isn’t just right, that is your intuition calling your attention. It will be best to pay attention to it so you don’t repeat the cycle.

Now, I’m not saying that you should be cynical of everyone you meet, I want you to look at your past relationships learn from them and figure out what values you absolutely need in your life. If they don’t match your requirements, don’t settle because you’d just be repeating the same cycle with a different person. It’s important to not only know what you don’t want but to focus greatly on what you do want.

5. Use healthy coping skills

You need to find something that makes you happy. My go to unhealthy coping mechanism is watching TV and binge eating, not showering and even though sometimes this can be okay to do (except not showering obv). It doesn’t make me feel good long term. It also reminds of me what I did when I was depressed so my ideal coping skill will be to the opposite of what I want to do.

 If you are feeling depressed, I understand that doing the simplest of tasks prove to be the hardest. If you really want to improve your mood, and feel a little better start with the smallest tasks, even if it’s just one task a day.

You would have to force yourself to do the opposite of what you want to do. Some pain relieving activities that are equally carthatic could be writing, exercising, showering, lighting candles, eating energising food, listening to uplifting music, yoga and one of my favourites – cleaning.

6. Stop being around the same people 

Toxic people in the form of friends, acquaintances, or family will keep you stuck, especially when they keep triggering you

Just because you are related to someone shouldn’t give them access to keep hurting you. You don’t have to have a connection with your family. I want you to be okay with that. I think it hurts the most when it’s family because they are supposed to be your ride or die.

I know it’s sad because you pictured this people going through life with you, but sometimes life has different plans for us. Just because you share the same DNA with someone doesn’t make you tied together in one cord.  You can form greater bonds with other people too who you can call family.

Leave your comfort zone and meet new people, but stay away from people that continuously make you relive that pain over and over, the pain that leaves you feeling unlovable, that makes you question yourself and think suicidal thoughts, the pain that drains you of your happiness.

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem make sure sure that you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes”.

SIGMUND FREUD

7. Change your perception of the world 

The world is not bad, scary, and unfair. The world is everything you choose to make it. There are kind and warm people out there, there’s people who will see you just the way you are and will love you perfectly. You just have to make sure the energy you are putting out is the right one. 

You will always be matched with what you put out. If you think people are out to get you, and they can’t be trusted and men are dogs, guess what? that is exactly what you will get. Being wounded can make you operate in cognitive distortion, it can make you see people in black or white, when in reality it’s all shades of grey. You can be a good person who does bad things too. 

While we should still see the good in everyone, does this mean that we stay gullible living in Lala land?

Absolutely not!

We have to trust our instincts and follow our heart, believing that it will lead us right. Follow what makes you feel well, if it doesn’t make you feel good, no need to understand it just walk away. 

8. Stop caring what other people think

If there is something you want that brings you great joy. Please I am begging you to do it regardless of what people say.

When you are 60 and you look back on your life, you would not even remember what was said but I promise you that what would be on your mind was the fact that you have allowed all this time to pass by, without going for what rings true for you. 

People will always have their little two cents on what you choose to do but you shouldn’t have to people please in order to keep them happy. You need to be crystal clear on your values, your vision and your priorities to be sure that no one talks you out of your path.

Those people won’t be there when you are stuck in a job that you hate or are miserable in a loveless marriage that you felt rushed into because you felt like your maternal clock was ticking. It’s never too late to stop caring whether you are in your mid 20s or you are over 80.

9. Really believe that you deserve happiness

Every time you keep reliving the past, painting your self image by using hurtful words, you begin to see yourself in that light.

Just because people treated you poorly, doesn’t mean that you are on the level at which they treated you. They are on the level at which they treated you. Make peace with that and have compassion for them. 

But do not bring yourself to their level by seeing yourself as unlovable or unworthy.

If you understand that you deserve peace and love, not pain then you have to stop abusing yourself. Every time you relive the past, you are going to feel like you are experiencing it all over again, slowing down your healing process.

If you had a wound, would you keep poking at it because you feel pain? So why would you want to do that to yourself? It’s not worth it. You have to believe that you deserve peace and harmony. You deserve to be happy.

10. Forgive yourself

Forgiveness is definitely not easy but it is necessary for ourselves, not them. We are giving ourselves the permission to not be in pain anymore. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you need to let them back into your life nor does it justify what they did. You can’t manifest the things you want if you are stuck in un-forgiveness.

Setting the intention to forgive is the first step, it doesn’t have to happen right away.

Forgiveness will be easier when we can move past the ego and show compassion towards yourself and the other person.

This might help to practice Forgiveness;

Think about whenever someone does something you don’t like, try to imagine that person as a child who is begging to be loved and acting out in counterproductive ways just to get your attention. No one is really trying to hurt you, we’re all just figuring things out as we go along.

10. Radical acceptance

It’s human nature to set exceptions for ourselves whether subconsciously or unconsciously, but sometimes the expectations we have of ourselves don’t always match with reality. You might begin to compare and contrast your life with other people and highlight the areas you fall short and ridicule yourself with self deprecating comments.

“Maybe if I wasn’t so tall, guys would find me attractive” “Oh I hate my life it sucks, why can’t I just be normal”, “I fail at everything I do……” 

A more constructive thing to do is to work with your flaws.

If you fear being rejected, it means you need to get rejected more by putting yourself out there, it might sound counterintuitive but it will inevitably build your confidence and there’s a chance that someone would accept you. 

Explore ways that you can make your life better by working with what you have.

The point is to see the positive in every flaw that you have. if you can’t change it, you can always try to let it work with it in your favour. You have to accept yourself and only then will it be easy to accept and love others.

Conclusion

You are in control of your own peace. It’s important to realise that you are the only one behind your suffering. You can choose to take control of your life and end the pain and heartbreak. You alone can do that because you are the filter at which you perceive the world.

 Decide today that you are responsible for your life and happiness and you can have whatever you truly desire but the work starts with you, only you have the power to make it happen.

Have you been feeling stuck and depressed lately? What habits have you been struggling to shake off? You can share your story in the comments section, I would love to hear from you.

Favour, Xo