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The secret to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men

This one thing will stop you from attracting emotionally unavailable people. There’s nothing more frustrating than wanting to have happy relationships with others yet you can’t figure out why you can’t stop attracting emotionally unavailable men or meeting the same type of person that also come in the form of toxic friends.

The secret to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men is to become emotionally available yourself, by figuring out how to stop being emotionally unavailable you free yourself from the confusing, rollercoaster soul-sucking heartbreak of dating an emotionally unavailable guy.

The answer you are looking for is within you, the truth is you are the creator of your life, you just don’t know it yet, you are constantly choosing your reactions, your connections, your outlook on life. This post will give you empowering tools you can use to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men for good, but the ball is going to be in your court!

This post will cover
  • Take your power back
  • How you have been toxic to yourself
  • Reasons why you keep attracting the same people
  • People are your mirrors
  • People show you parts of yourself that need to be healed
  • Steps on how to stop attracting the same people
  • Key takeaways

Quick Disclaimer: I am in no way trying to victim blame or shame anybody. My intention is to highlight that real change happens when we hold ourselves accountable. We have to hold ourselves accountable for repeated circumstances in our lives and identify the parts of ourselves attracting certain people to us even when we might not intend to hurt anyone or even engage in the same toxic behaviours they do.  

how to stop attracting the same type of guy

How to stop attracting emotionally unavailable people

“You are who you attract”.

That was what someone said to me when I desperately asked why my relationships just didn’t seem to be working.

Upon hearing that, I struggled to understand what that had to do with me. The remark alone came across as dismissive and now I had to figure out the correlation between the eye-rolling inducing feedback and my situation. Based on my judgement, I thought I was being the best person I could possibly be, yet it seemed clear that I was attracting unwanted situations with people only interested in taking from me.

Eventually, I had to come to terms with the truth that I was toxic too. I had a part to play in those relationships as I was a willing participant.

‘The law of attraction is this: You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you are”

-WAYNE DYER

Let’s say you have attracted narcissists, users and abusers your whole life, but you consider yourself a good person who isn’t trying to hurt anyone.

Narcissism & codependency exists on a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, are the codependents, empaths and people pleasers who are seeking validation by being the fixer for their personal gain, and on the other end are self-absorbed narcissistic people who seek validation by dominating you for their personal gain. Fundamentally, you both have the same wound which is the fear of abandonment, lack of self-love and a fear of being truly seen.

why you attract emotionally unavailable partners

How you have been toxic to yourself

Every time someone ridicules you for having needs that a human should possess, they condition you into believing that your needs are not important, that speaking your truth isn’t an option, they program you to feel small so you accept less than the bare minimum from them. When you allow them to treat you that way, you’re telling yourself and them that you don’t have value. You settle for less because it’s comfortable that way, you don’t get to shake the table. You become toxic to the one person who matters most, yourself. I want to let you know that you matter. Your feelings matter. Your needs matter.

Why you keep attracting the emotionally unavailable partners

  • Emotionally unavailable/immature parents or caregivers growing up.
  • You are not self-aware enough to know what you want
  • You are addicted to fixing and chasing people
  • Failure to set firm boundaries 
  • Not listening to your inner voice when you see red flags
  • You are not confident in who you are so you seek external validation
  • Afraid of being alone 
  • You don’t know what a good and healthy relationship feels/look like
  • You haven’t healed and are still afraid to do the work
  • You’re codependent, people-pleaser or an empath
  • It’s down to your attachment style ( example: an anxiously attached person attracts avoidant people)
  • You are emotionally unavailable yourself so its easier to deal with people who are unavailable in order to not get hurt.

You have to acknowledge that some parts of you have been neglectful to yourself. Change requires you to have self-awareness of your situation. If you resonate with any of the above, it might be time to do something about it. 

Give the love you so desperately want to give others to yourself, protect your heart.

Your subconcious beliefs about relationships

It is true that people are our mirrors and are always showing to us versions of ourselves that we are yet to come to terms with or are uncomfortable with. If you are a wounded person, chances are you’ll attract someone wounded. Until we heal our wounds, we unconsciously attract the same dysfunctional dynamics.

One-sided relationships mirror back the core belief of:

 1) Not feeling good enough.

2) Not feeling worthy.

3) Not feeling lovable.

Hence, you have an intense fear of being alone because that would reinforce the unworthiness and shame you feel. You feel that chasing love and validation is the only way to feel worthy. The problem with this dynamic is that you abandon yourself in the process, becoming unavailable to yourself and treating yourself the same way your emotionally immature caregivers treated you.


how to heal from emotionally unavailable men/people

How to heal from emotionally unavailable people

The simple answer to this would be to become emotionally available to yourself. Change your behaviour and your circle will follow suit. It’s easy to look at others and expect them to change, but real lasting change has to start within. When you change yourself, everyone around you will take notice. The new you will either inspire them to change or repel you.

These steps would be helpful to write down in a journal so you can make the changes necessary for you.

Step 1 – Retrain your mind.

To change the way you behave, you have to adopt a new mindset. Repeat daily affirmation/mantras that builds your self-esteem. Use affirmations to address your feelings of unworthiness and fears :

I am lovable just the way I am

Step 2 – What are your current behaviours?

This is not a one size fits all. You will have to do some personal digging and soul searching to reveal your pattern of behaviours in your relationships.

  • Blaming others and not taking responsibility for your life
  • Experiencing difficulties communicating your needs and feelings because you fear rejection
  • Looking for what’s wrong in others and seeking perfection
  • You expect the worst from people, to avoid disappointment
  • Not committing to your plans/goal
  • You keep seeking approval from unavailable people
  • People pleasing
  • You distance yourself because you don’t want to get hurt
  • Not putting yourself out there for fear of judgement
  • Don’t like asking for help because I don’t want to be a burden
  • Not trusting my instincts
  • Not being firm with my boundaries or being afraid to speak up
Step 3 – How can I act differently to get a different result?

Now that you are aware of your behaviours, you have to act completely opposite to what you’re comfortable with. Start small. It could be that you want to start speaking up for yourself and setting boundaries for a change.

Step 4 – Understand that only you can save yourself.

No one is coming to the rescue. Complaining wouldn’t solve anything but manifest more undesirable events. You have the power to change your circumstance, stop giving your power to other people by blaming them for being stuck in unhealthy dynamics.

Don’t be afraid to walk away from situations that don’t serve you.

“Be the change you want to see in the world”

Mahatma gandhi

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The Secret to Stop Attracting The Same Type Of Person

Next time you find yourself in an unsavoury situation. The following questions might help shed some light on the situation to give you more awareness.

  • What is this trying to tell me about me?
  • How am I responsible for this? Never blame the other person and stay the victim because people are your mirrors remember.
  • How am I attracting this?
  • Do I deserve this?

If you constantly feel dissatisfied with your relationships, it’s easy to fall into a self-deprecating cycle of feeling that there must be something wrong with you, you are doing something wrong, you can’t connect with others or you are not interesting enough. Instead of going down that dark road, think about how you can change that and take action. I want you to write a new story for yourself, one that involves you feeling good enough and feeling more than deserving to get the love you are asking for.

What toxic habits are you working to change so you can attract better? Let me know in the comments below.

Favour Xo

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