Decentering men is one of the most life-changing decisions I’ve ever made in my life.

I grew up certain I had a healthy approach to relating with men.

Would you blame me though, I was a teenager when I had this thought and not surprisingly, naive. 

It took me making some mistakes to realize I had been delusional and I made men the center of my existence – they determined what I thought about myself and how I felt about myself. 

Now, I could blame society for not teaching us early to decenter men. In fact, society does quite frankly the opposite.

I could speak a whole lot about why this is the case, but that defeats taking my life into my own hands and taking responsibility. 

So, in the spirit of taking responsibility, I decided to look within. I did some introspection and figured out the cause of my problems.

The only way I could stop losing myself in relationships until the point I became magnetic was to learn how to decenter men. 

What Does Decentering Men Mean?

You may be reading this wondering what it means to decenter men in your life.

The first thing you need to know is that decentering men does not mean not interacting with men, hating or disregarding them because many women assume it is.

In fact, you can be in a loving romantic relationship with your man and still know how to decenter men.

Decentering men means making yourself a priority.

It is to align your interests, goals and other life decisions with what you want and desire without putting into consideration what a man would think or approve of.

Simply put, it is not to be a pick-me girl. 

Men and women were raised differently, with women made to center romantic relationships and marriage right from when they were children.

For this reason, a lot of women go all out to attract the attention of guys who they normally shouldn’t give the time of day. 

But that’s not all; at least not in my experience. It made me ditch my goals and lose meaningful friendships. 

But I guess it also shaped me because once I figured out the problem, I became unstoppable. 

How Decentering Men Transformed My Life

Ever since I learnt to focus more on myself, I have experienced a beautiful change in my life.

I became even more confident in myself and my abilities.

I am now unapologetically loud about my interests, whether or not they get male approval.  

Trust me, it is a liberating feeling and I want all other girls to feel this too. 

Here are other ways my life has improved: 

1. I developed a healthier self-esteem

Having a better self-esteem and being more confident in myself has never felt so good.

My self-worth used to be tied to how men perceived me. Also, I used to take their opinions and criticisms to heart.

But once I started learning to focus on self-validation, my life changed. 

A tip that worked for me is that I focused on my strengths, accomplishments and values. I also learnt to give myself credit. 

Yes, I know I have flaws – I acknowledge them.

However, it is no more because I want to look attractive to a man, but more about being a better version of myself. 

And while I work through them, I love myself regardless. 

With time, I realized I didn’t need anyone to make me feel good about myself.

I did that myself by engaging in things I love, doing self-care and practising self-love.

Read more: Try This Self Care Challenge For 30 Days To Feel Like Yourself Again

2. I found myself

We don’t talk enough about how much of a struggle it is trying to fit into a standard set by other people.

How limiting it is suppressing your interests and passions to be accepted.

The truth is satisfaction and true happiness is never attained from this.

It is derived by doing the things you love and living for yourself not others.

The moment I freed myself from these crippling expectations, I discovered a girl with a whole new identity.

I am now able to freely explore my interests and have dreams of my own.

3. I experienced personal growth

By default, decentering men and focusing on myself made me experience self-development which inspired me to follow my dreams.

I have been able to map out a career path for myself and have followed through.

I have learnt new skills that have pushed me out of my comfort zone but also earned me money.

Plus, I have more time to take on new challenges that have added color to my life. 

4. I have stronger female friendships

I am ashamed to say, but yes, I was that girl – the one who thought it was cooler being around guys because they were better. 

Thankfully, I have come to realize female friendship is one of the most beautiful things you will ever experience as a woman.

Any time I think about my girls, I am eternally grateful for them because they’ve held me up. 

They’ve been there with me through my foolish choices, cried with me and made me stronger. 

There is just something about being a woman that a man would never understand, so learning to embrace my female friendship is really one of the best things I got out of not putting men first in my life. 

5. I now make better dating choices

You see, pretty much every aspect of your life improves when you know that you are that girl. 

Years back, I would have been easily swayed with the bare minimum.

Now, before I enter into a relationship, I make sure it is one where I will be valued and my abilities as well as my interests will not be looked down on.

I also ensure that my partner will make me feel seen, valued and loved.

If not, I am very comfortable being alone.

How to Decenter Men in Your Life

Decentering men is a journey and isn’t easy, especially when that is all you know. Regardless, it is very achievable.

Here are a few tips to decenter romantic relationships and live a fuller life. 

1. Know Your Worth

Knowing your worth can mean many things, but it’s basically putting yourself first and not allowing anyone to make you feel less of yourself.

In this context, it is about not letting define who you are.

You must know that we all are worthy, male or female, and a person’s worth should not be dependent on another. 

For instance, if you like to look good, go ahead and do that. 

If you prefer to keep it casual, that’s also fine. 

Also, if romcoms are your thing, it is a valid interest that you shouldn’t be ashamed of because men think it’s silly. 

2. Be Financially Independent 

It is a known fact that the reason many women lose themselves is because they need men to be there for them financially.

This is why you need to be financially independent. 

Invest your time doing productive things that will earn you money; get a degree, get rid of your money blocks, learn a course or a skill and become unstoppable in your field.

This way, when you end up with a man, it will be because you love and respect each other, not because you need him to foot your bills. 

3. Prioritize Your Female Friendships

As I mentioned earlier, when I was younger, I elevated male friendships over female ones. 

So, it calls to reason that one of the major ways to decenter romantic relationships in your life is to focus more on your female friendships.

This might sound harsh, but I don’t respect women who don’t have female friends, especially when you are in your mid-20s. 

It’s forgivable as a young girl, but as an older woman, it is problematic.

You need your tribe of girls.

You need people in your life who are loving you without ulterior motives – you can see that you don’t need to make men the center of your world. 

4. Prioritize Personal Development 

Placing a premium on self-development helps to refine what you think and how you feel about yourself.

It opens your eyes to your strengths and lets you see that you do not need validation from anyone. 

Trust me, there is something about being part of a successful project at work or getting a pat for a job well done by your clients that makes you feel on top of the world. 

You probably think men are all-in-all because you don’t have much going for yourself.

Focus on that and you’ll soon see how liberating it is to set goals and achieve them.

5. Set Boundaries

If you are wondering how to decenter romantic relationships, then one effective way is setting boundaries.

It allows you to dictate who or what you allow into your life.

It helps you direct your energy and time into more valuable things, leaving no room for people who have nothing to offer. 

Having this mindset, you can avoid placing your worth on what anyone thinks and build only valuable relationships. 

To conclude, decentering men has been a transformative journey for me, and I am more than confident it can be for you too.

Remember, putting yourself first isn’t about dismissing or disrespecting others, it is about recognizing your value and worth.